Stardew Valley, but I’m a Convicted Criminal.

Stardew Valley, but I’m a Convicted Criminal.

giant Brian a 12-time ex-convict currently on the run after exposing the UK Supermarket Tesco for being a tyrannical dictatorship regime and also stealing a lifetime supply of Fredo frogs he wasn’t fully innocent he he did do that as well to escape he had made his way to the beautiful photogenic Countryside of staru Valley you see after his previous run in with a prison cell Brian had decided he was retiring from being a professional criminal and so disguising himself as a an old rich man’s grandson and performing a bit of Tom Foolery with his will he mysteriously managed to inherit the Deeds to an old secluded Farmhouse cheers Granddad this was perfect he was right on the outskirts of Pelican town a small loving Community which conveniently didn’t have a police station and just to be extra sure there was no threat of being caught he gave his new place a rather cunning name this is unsuspicious Farm that’s right Robin this is unsuspicious Farm nothing to see here nothing to see here at all it’s a bit overgrown but there’s some good soil underneath that mess no there’s nothing underneath anything do not check under the soil you will not find any bodies after the town Carpenter Robin had finished showing him around the mayor of pelic town Lewis arrived everyone’s been asking about you oh God they were on to him already listen LS just don’t ask any more questions and nobody will get hurt and with that they left him alone to begin his first day on the the farm as any good criminal would do Brian spent the morning of his first day sneaking around the bushes searching for some good hiding places with a solid hour of crouching around he felt secure enough to begin farming as a welcome present the town’s fol had gifted him 15 parsnip seeds before he could plant them however he had to remove a few [Music] obstacles Tim Burton he screamed as he began chopping down trees Tim Burton was one of his favorite directors with a bit more rustle and tussle in no time Brian had whipped up a makeshift field and as it wasn’t even midday there was still plenty of time to introduce himself to his new neighbors first though what is this a leak when he held the leak above his head it gave the impression that he still had hair maybe this would make a good disguise for going into town just in case anyone did recognize him from his wanted posters where to visit first then perhaps he could just start opening doors and walking into houses Brian had never really lived anywhere aside from behind bars so his manners weren’t great but who’s this hello there oh whoops forgot the disguise just a sec uh hello there nice to meet you what hey he just stole my leak George that wasn’t a present I was using that oh well it seemed to have worked as a good first impression anyway and after gaining a bit of confidence Brian went around introducing himself to the rest of the community there was Pierre who owned the local corner shop Maru the budding young scientist lonus who he could have sworn used to have a tech YouTube channel but now lived in a tent Haley the fashion Easter who was pretty harsh about Brian’s outfit look it’s a completely normal fit Haley I know it’s got my name and inmate number on the chest but it’s not a prison jumpsuit I swear and after talking to Village barkeep Emily she invited him to do further meeting and greeting in the saloon that evening where he bumped into oh my goodness who was this fine Maiden Pam Brian had never seen a more beautiful woman in his life she was ah a raging alcoholic just his type I’ll be seeing you around said Brian as he headed home and brought an end to a very successful first day onwards and upwards then as Brian woke up on the second of Spring today was the day he would oh wait the pnps haven’t grown yet oh what the hell how long does this farming business take oh well in the meantime Brian decided to check his post box and on doing so discovered he’d received some mail from a mysterious man named I can’t say that name that’s rude intrigued by what this Willie had to offer he headed down to the beach and walked out onto the pier what he wasn’t expecting was for Willie to give him his Rod his fishing rod because Willie was a fisherman Brian couldn’t believe just how generous the town’s people were being and Willie sent him on his his way with yet another gift in the form of a cockle determined to be an actual active member of the local economy rather than just relying on freebies Ryan headed to Pierre’s and began to buy things he bought some nice new wallpaper and mahogany flooring which really gave his place a new Pizzaz it didn’t have before then he headed back to the pub to invest in a couple of their recipes oh hash browns if Brian’s pnps ever grew he would love to make some pnip hash browns oh hello again Pam fancy seeing you here at 5:00 p.m. say how about I uh grab you a drink oh what 400 coins Brian had got so caught up in injecting money into the community that he was now completely broke hanging his head in shame he went back outside depressed that he couldn’t even afford to treat the woman of his dreams to one simple drink and then it dawned on him that 32 schmecks had to last the rest of his whole retirement if only there was some way to get rich quick but then in a moment of inspiration Brian looked down at the cockle in his hands and recall an old tongue twister she sells she shell no wait hang on she sells seash shells by the she oh God damn it you get the point at once he ran back to the beach and gathered up any shells he could find then dumping them into the collection box at home and tooking into bed giddy with excitement wondering just how much money they would go go for 200 are you kidding me that’s it those were good quality shells he had even evicted a couple of hermit crabs for those fine it wasn’t going to be that simple Brian would have to hark back to his days as a prison Escapist and do what he did best come up with an ingenious plan the first thing to do was take the concept of selling shells one step further and that meant stealing a leaf from Wily’s book and doing some fishing Brian was a bit of a dab hand with a fishing rod so good in facts that he once escaped to prison in the middle of the sea by reeling in enough fish to tame a local dolphin and ride it to safety once Brian started fishing you just couldn’t stop him and he spent the next two solid days doing nothing but he fished in the river he fished in the lake he fished in the sea pulling in all sorts of weird and wacky creatures a catfish an eel a soggy newspaper and something called a chub Brian didn’t care what they were as long as they fetched a good price 48 hours later with a chest stock full of fish he made the Hard Sell see that’s more like it two grand but Brian wasn’t satisfied just yet the great fishing Marathon was merely the first stage of his plan yes it was time for a cheeky bit of reinvestment okay Brian the grind don’t stop but oh hello man you’re kind of blocking the doorway I’m about to go make some big corporate moves move so what’s that don’t you think this Farm could use a good cat oh God this was a problem Brian hated cats the cat in question was however astray and if he rejected it people might start assuming that he was like a bad person or something which sure he committed a few felonies in the past but oh fine he would take the cat he wasn’t sure about the name Dudley though if he was going to have a cat it needed a name of high stature how about pith I know it sounds a bit silly but it’s actually short for pyrames which is a Greek philosopher’s name come on then pyrames if you’re going to live here we’re going to have to put you to work here pth pth manual labor time H what’s wrong with him is he dead or or just oh when he was on his belly like that he was actually kind of cute but no Brian hated him you stay there pyro giant Brian’s going to go and do some important business stage two of Brian’s plan involved a whole load of oh bloody hell what is it now once again Brian was interrupted This Time by mayor Lewis who proceeded to rant at him for ages about I don’t know abandoned buildings or construction sites or something listen Louis if the town hall is that derelict just turn the place into an escape room or something people love that kind of sh what is that o Vermin disgusting horrible Vermin I take it all back Louis just demolish the place anyway finally it was time for stage two of Brian’s ingenious plan and it involved beans Brian had any his day spent a lot of time with various gangs around the UK and he often overheard them using slang terms such as be peas when referring to how much money they had now Brian didn’t really care about the bear part he didn’t want to attract bears to his farm that was dangerous but if it was true that peas equal money he just had to give it a try unfortunately Pierre only sold beans but beans peas tomato tomato potato with that he began to plant and plant and plant before long rows and rows of green stalks cut his farm into beautiful neat cross-sections it was a sight to behold look at this pyrames Someday My Boy this will all be yours now it was just the simple task of 10 whole days of watering oh God Brian wasn’t sure he had the energy for all this and yet day after day he worked the fields tirelessly can in hand dribbling water onto each individual being stalk having purchased so many he barely had time to do anything else but using the small amount of stamina he had left over he spent his afternoons donating to the local Museum scouting out the abandoned mines which were full of more Vermin o yuck disgusting what’s this bug meat I’m about to be sick in my own mouth and every day he returned home to find perro curled up on his bed he obviously still hated perro with a passion but it was warmer to snuggle up on these Cold Spring nights it was a strategic decision purely for logical reasons okay Brian was about halfway through what he called project Fifi fo F when he received a rather peculiar letter from someone claiming to be a wizard yeah all right Gandalf whatever you say but as Brian headed south out of town to his surprise he found a tall crooked Wizard’s Tower he entered the building with great trepidation and for good reason as the wizard immediately proceeded to drug him with a strange potion as a result however Brian found he could now communicate with the Vermin he had seen in the old town hall apparently they were known as junimos and in return for various offerings they would trade him a range of gifts sorry Vermin I’m kind of in the middle of a big pee project right now so I’m going to have to leave the story till later and with that Brian said no to progression and headed home to continue watering despite his refusal to play the actual game no matter how hard he tried to just focus on Peas the story kept getting in the way one evening he was watching lonus techtips raid the village bins which to be fair as a fellow Thief Brian respected the hustle the next day he was absolutely smoking a bunch of kids in the town’s Easter egg hunt take that you bunch of children nobody is better at swiping eggs than giant Brian except possibly Fantastic Mr Fox and a swiper from Dory the Explorer finally after more Fishing and More watering and a bit of fishing and some Vermin Exterminating bit more fishing and even more watering on day 15 Brian woke up to a magnificent sight peas so so many peas one could even say be peas M my driller and with a tear in his eye he began the Great Harvest forget green fingers over the next few days Brian had his hands so full of greenery he had to make a whole new green chest just to store it all with more than 100 P’s in his possession Brian decided it was time to sell he couldn’t wait to see the fat stacks come rolling in here we go oh 4,000 great if he was honest it was a bit of an underwhelming sum but he supposed he had doubled his net worth so he ran into town ready to rub his victory into Pierre’s face oh Pierre guess who’s created a p based capitalist Empire but huh something strange was going on at the General Store a Sinister looking man named Morris had walked in and begun preaching the potentially not so good word of a corporation known as jojamart coupons for 50% off Brian’s eyes suddenly lit up this wasn’t good if JoJo Mar was a supermarket then Brian might not be able to resist the temptation was too good to be true Brian had been holding back the urges to raid the General Store quite admirably but considering his track record at Tesco this jojamart that had moved into town well it just couldn’t be a coincidence this was a test Brian told himself must not steal must not steal must not steal okay I’m stealing I’m stealing big time this is a hit and run where are the Fredo frogs hand over the Fredo and nobody gets hurt [Music] I [Music]

With the new Stardew Valley 1.6 update enhancing it’s the game’s beautiful, relaxing countryside, what better place for Giant Brian to retire to?! Having been locked up 12 times by this point, Giant Brian Escaped prison one last time and, after a couple of his usual speed running strategies and antics has managed to come into the possession of an old secluded farm house. Now he can settle down in Pelican Town and life the rest of his days in idyllic nature, but with Giant Brian, things are never quite as easy as they seem.

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